HOW TO RENDER A LIBERAL SPEECHLESS

THE OTHER DAY I WAS TALKING WITH A TEA PARTY PERSON WHO IS A COWORKER OF MINE ABOUT HOW SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO A LIBERAL, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY BECAUSE THEY'LL QUOTE ALL SORTS OF LIBERAL BOOKS AT YOU AND "FACTS" AND FIGURES AND WHAT-HAVE-YOU FROM ALL SORTS OF WEIRD NEWSPAPERS YOU'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF, AND HE SAID TO ME, "YOU KNOW SOMEONE OUGHT TO WRITE A LIST OF THINGS YOU COULD SAY TO JUST SHUT A LIBERAL RIGHT UP WHEN THEY GET TO TALKING ALL FAST AND WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?"

AND THEN, IT WAS LIKE A LIGHTBULB WENT OFF ABOVE MY HEAD, I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA, IN A FLASH, JUST LIKE THAT. I THOUGHT, "YEAH, SOMEONE SHOULD--AND WHO BETTER FOR IT THAN ME?!"

SO HERE IT IS. LET'S SAY IT'S PART ONE, CAUSE I BET I'LL THINK OF SOME MORE PRETTY SOON. HERE GOES!!

HOW TO RENDER A LIBERAL SPEECHLESS, PART ONE

1. IF A LIBERAL SAYS "GAY PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET MARRIED," YOU SAY...

"WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT FOR GAY PEOPLE NOT TO GET MARRIED?"

NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT YOUR RIGHTS, AND THIS WILL SHUT THEM RIGHT UP, YOU JUST WATCH.