"It's like we're speaking another language!": A Guide to Understanding the Words of the Tea Party, for Use by Less-Patriotic Americans

Now that I have figured out how to "post" videos here, I am really living large!

That video right there is a really good video about Congressman Bart Stupak being a baby-killing scumbag, and it's really informative too about who he is and what he did recently. For those of who don't know because you were busy or whatever, Bart Stupak is this ALLEGEDLY pro-life Democrat who was supposed to vote against the health care bill but then didn't because Barack Hussein Obama our ALLEGED president agreed to ALLEGEDLY sign a continuing ban on using federal funds for abortion, though it's probably secretly like a coupon book actually for cheaper abortions that you have to have if want to be able to drive in this once-great country, knowing these guys. In short, he's a pretty hard-core communist, I think.

Anyway, when I saw that video, I was really inspired and proud, but when I showed it to my co-workers and my neighbors and this teenage kid that was sold me some frozen meat from out the back of his truck, most of them said they thought it just seemed angry and kinda violent and, I'm just quoting here, DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER, "dangerous and scary."

So then I thought, here's the problem. It's like church. When you go to church all the time, your heart gets aligned with the hearts of the other people in your church, so you understand really great, using the Holy Spirit, what everyone MEANT to say, not what they actually said. My heart right now is perfectly aligned with my brothers and sisters in the Tea Party, so when I hear these voicemail machine messages left on Bart Stupak's phone, I hear pride and love of God and country, not what they actually said.

So anyway, I was thinking, I could really help people better understand the Tea Party and these messages, by interpreting them for the heathen world. Also, I could help represent them better, show what they really mean, and so forth, and so on, hallelujah, praise God.

All right, then. HERE WE GO!!!!

MESSAGE # 1: "Congressman Stupak, you are one big piece of human s**t. And think about this: there are millions of people across the country, who wish you ill. And all of those thoughts projected on you will materialize into something that's not very good for you. We don't have to do anything but sit back and wish. Go to Hell, you piece of s**t."

Now, of course, it's just like the libs to hear a concerned citizen using her right to express herself about her love for her once-great country, the United States of America, and jump to all sorts of biased conclusions. To them, twisting reality like they do, they say this sounds like an angry lady (no wait, they're super "politically correct" or "PC" so they'd probably say, "gender-challenged individual," not "lady," they would, I know it) making a threat. But to patriots such as myself, we hear someone who loves her country and is vibrantly concerned about what's happening to it. We hear something more like this:

MESSAGE # 1 (translation): "Dear Congressman Stupak, Jesus Christ commanded us to love everyone, but to love our country even more. And right now, we are concerned that you have just destroyed our country forever, spiraling it downward into communism on a one-way street. Please re-consider what you have just done, because not only have you wrecked our whole country--sorry, sir, but you did--but you have placed your very soul at sure risk of eternal Hellfire. Consider your soul. Consider America."

MESSAGE 2: "Stupak, you're a low-life, baby-murdering, scumbag pile of steaming crap. You are a talented punk, Stupak, that's what you are, you and your family. You and your family are scum. You ought to fill your pockets with lead and jump in the Potomac. That's what you are Stupak, you're a piece of crap. We hate your guts here in the real world, America. We despise you and every punk like you, Stupak. Get out of office, get off our property!"

This one kinda makes me tear up, the love this man feels for his country is just brimming over, up, and out of his words. I can see him in my mind's eye, hand over his heart, eyes wet, collared shirt nicely tucked in, and the largest flag you have ever seen directly across from him. This man is a true patriot that the Tea Party can be proud to call its own.

MESSAGE #2 (translation): "Congressman Stupak, there is room enough in my heart for you, but I fear you will not choose to lodge there. Congressman Stupak, my love is boundless, as my love for my country proves, and should you choose to represent America in a truer way, it will be there for you and your family as well as for you. Until you begin to stop killing babies, however, and stop selling our country to communists and neo-socialists and Marxist-Leninists, I cannot give you my heart in its entirety. No sir, I cannot. I cannot give it you at all, for I fear you would not accept it. Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, once said, "Judge not, lest ye be not judged," but when the money-lenders came to the temple to give money they had stolen from the rich away to the poor who had not earned it, He drove them out with a whip, because he was the son of God, and truly knew God's heart, and knew that God cared for the people too much to burden them with riches they did not truly deserve. Congressman Stupak, I will probably not be voting for you during the next election, for I cannot do so in good conscience, knowing that you kill and probably rape babies."

There are a bunch of other messages from other patriots--one says, "I hope you bleed out your a**, got cancer and die, you mother f***er"--but they all basically mean the same things, as anyone truly in tune with our movement would tell you--a message of love of country, frustration over government, and fear for the future.

Organizing Our Threats

Well, that health care bill was pretty much the worst thing that's ever happened to America, and my name-sharing pal Michael Savage confirmed as much last night on his show, when a man called in to talk about a frightening nightmare he had about a red bird and a white bull and figured it really was all about Obama and the health-care bill.

But some good may come of this health-care mess yet!!!!

It turns out that nothing really lights a fire under a nation's people like taking all their money and giving most of it to a bunch of nobodies whose ancestors didn't even come from Europe, and giving the rest of it to baby-killing abortion clinics and senior-citizen murdering death squads, and now the people are FINALLY getting angry and taking action!!!

There have been a lot of very angry threats made lately, both to those always-traitorous Democrat "thugs" like Obama and Pelosi, and to others like this guy "Bart Stupak" who we thought was cool but who it turns out was THE one key guy in letting that health care monstrosity pass the hallowed halls of our nation's once-sacred-and-holy Capitol. Turns out he was planning on doing that all along and was just, like, putting on a little show for us all by protesting it!!!!!

ANYWAY, I just feel that it's my duty to say on behalf of myself, Tea Party New Mexico, and the Northeast Albuquerque Patriots, that I cannot approve of these many threats. I cannot sanction them. I cannot.

Why, you might ask? Perhaps that is something you might ask. I can imagine YOU, in my mind, asking ME that very same question.

Well, since you asked, for starters, they're way, way, way too unorganized in how they're made. They're real sloppy, and half the time they're made in some out-of-the-way corner of the Internet like "Twitter.com" where people write these tiny little messages to whoever or nobody, and no one even sees them until the liberal news people find them and start waving them around and yelling.

As someone with a long history of Costco work, I know that even if you have the giant boxes of SuperPretzels on sale, no one's going to buy them unless they're visible. If you hide them away behind plastic sacks of green beans or whatever, it doesn't even matter if they come with like a free piece of a gold brick or some rare and precious coral or whatever, (though of course they never do, that's just me thinking out loud) no one's gonna buy them if they don't know where they are, OK?!

I really just like staying at home and watching TV and spending other quality time with my family, so I'm honestly not into the whole "armed rebellion" thing yet that all my other Tea Party buddies are always talking about, because it seems like that would just really upset my daily normal life, you know, and I kind of like my life. That's my other reason for not approving of all the threats that have been made. I mean, if we all join in on that, how am I supposed to write a blog and go to fun meetings and have a family and work at Costco or host a hit show if I'm jail or foraging for canned food on the run or whatever, you know?

IF I WAS a more-violent person though, and if I was into pointing a gun at anything besides just animals and fish, that is to say, if I was like some of my other Tea Party pals and those guys in the Glenn Beck "forum," I'd probably suggest that all the people making and carrying out threats get a bit more organized, you know? It would seem to me that you gotta get more organized than just one guy throwing a brick through a window, or another one or two "tweeting" on their phones or whatever-you-call-it to their two friends--I mean, it just seems like no one's really in charge, right?

You would think for any sort of real revolution to really happen, there would really need to be like a...a...a like, (online?) Threat Database, or something, where everyone who's looking to get going on some sort of rebellion or revolution against the federal government and its "representatives" can get together and, you know, coordinate their efforts better.

But really, I don't want any sort of violence. I found out the hard way that I am not well-suited for violent action. Uncle Sam himself said my lungs were far too weak for the battlefield, and so my discharge was a highly honorable one. I'm more into drinking beer and going to rallies.

There is a truly real problem, however, nowadays that even when people's hearts are in the right place, they just don't have the years of organizational experience needed to stock the movement with the supplies it needs and to keep it all clean while doing so and also recognizing the needs of customers and newer employees, all while keeping a cheerful smile on your face and appearing ready to answer a question at a moment's notice, or clean up a spill, or break down a bunch of boxes to take out to the back. This is especially a problem with Obama. He just doesn't seem to realize that not everyone can drive the forklift, and only people with some seniority are allowed to remove heavy pallets of merchandise from the very top shelves.